Harry Potter and the Fic that Wouldn't Die
by SporkadelicAsh
Summary: Just an answer to in insomnia fit. Lip balm, sex, and slash abound in this weak attempt in a comedy!
1. Chapter 1

****

Harry Potter and the Fic That Wouldn't Die!

Rating: M

Warnings: This is a parody/comedy/romance. Excessive ramblings that make no sense, and making fun of random things…SLASHY..

Disclaimer: I am not JK Rowling, so would you like to take me bowling?

****

Chapter one: The Prologue

Harry Potter sat down and watched the lake. He was at Hogwarts, because the author of this fic didn't feel like sending him to the Dursley's so she would have to get him out of there. He liked watching the lake, as the sun was setting. The last rays shimmering over the dark water. It was pleasant and comforting.

It also reminded him of Sirius.

Harry was over Sirius' death, but the author wanted a slightly sad introduction, so here we are. It also didn't hurt that across the lake, there was a boy he didn't mind watching.

Draco Malfoy.

Yeah, I know, I'm supposed to go into a dramatic interlude where I discuss Harry's turmoil it took him to get to this point. The initial attraction, the shock, the denial, the acceptance, and the stalking…but I don't feel like it.

Draco Malfoy knew he was being watched, because he wasn't dumb, and I wanted him to feel special and be all extra perceptive. It's my fic, so there. He also didn't mind being watched, because it made him feel special. And…wanted. He knew it was Harry, but that didn't bother him. He was openly gay, and had more tubes of lip balm than should be allowed. Oh that reminds me. Draco put on his kiwi mango lip balm as he sauntered around the lake to where Potter was. He made sure to swing his hips a lot .

When he finally got around the lake, Harry was still there, eyes still on Draco. He noticed the sheen on his lips and wondered if he was wearing lip balm. Quickly pulling out his strawberry orange lip balm and a mirror, he quickly made himself look hotter. (In his opinion anyway.)

"Hullo, Potter," a husky voice behind him said. Harry jumped. He turned around to see that it was none other than…

Voldemort!

"What the fuck!" Harry yelled. Then he turned to me and said, "I thought I was gonna be getting action from Draco?"

I just smile at my computer and keep writing.

"Potter…I want you…" Voldemort murmured in what he thought was a sexy way. In reality it sounded like a dying emu.

"Um…" Harry said, torn in confusion. Part of him wanted to yell at me for being a sick fuck, and another part of him wanted to yell at Voldemort the same thing. He compromised by yelling, "SICK FUCKS!" as he ran into the castle.

He should not have done that. Because now it's time for me to get my revenge…(cue evil laughter.)

**TBC**

**In the next chapter, Draco gets horny, Harry wears heels, and Ginny gets high!**


	2. Oddly Enough, this chapter sucks

Sorry it took so long for the update! Chocolate covered Harrys for you all! Thanks for the reviews, I loved them! Now for the long awaited (I hope) chapter two!

PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS CHAPTER IS REALLY RANDOM. ONE, BECAUSE IT'S A RANDOM STORY, AND TWO, BECAUSE THIS RANDOMNESS LEADS TO THE CATACLYSMIC EVENTS IN CHAPTER THREE. THIS IS ALSO SLASH. AND I AM SO NOT JK.

****

Oddly enough, that's exactly what I had in mind.

Harry woke up the next morning grumpy. The previous night had been an odd one to say the least. Just when he thought he would be shagging Malfoy senseless, Voldemort had to ruin it. To add gas to the fire, his arguments with the author of this fic, also known as the QUEEN OF THE WORLD, was getting him into more and more trouble.

As Harry hopped out of bed, he happily pondered what clothes to wear. It was a Saturday, so he had the option to dress however he chose. Looking over his boring, everyday clothes, he wished he had a little something extra to add pizazz to his drab style.

Suddenly, as if from the heavens, a shoe box fell on his bed.

Curiously, Harry walked toward his bed, all thoughts on the shoe box. What could possibly be inside it? A belt, a snake, and elephant tusk? Slowly, he opened the box.

…..

"Snapey, you've been a bad, bad boy," he growled, kissing a trail down Snape's chest, "and you know what I do to bad boys, don't you?"

"Y-yes, milord," Severus gasped, fixing a stare on the man now sucking his neck. "I do."

"Good." Voldemort said, as he continued to mark his favorite toy.

…..

Draco smiled as he put on his chocolate-coconut perfume. Today was going to be a good day, despite the terrible night he had. Grumpy as he was that he did not get completely buggered by Potter last night, he was determined not to let it get him down.

"Hey, Dray," Blaise whispered, sidling up next to the platinum blonde. "I have a new nickname."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah. It's Skittles. Wanna taste the rainbow?" Blaise grinned as he hastily removed his clothing.

…..

Ginny was high. As high as a fliggle diggle on morphine. As high as a krigger on durkle droppings. And the fact of the matter was, she liked it.

"adfoadnfladfoadfaf?" She squealed, which I will interpret as, "Look, the marshmallow man is melting! Grab your sporks and eat him!" People looked at her strangely and continued on their way, shaking their heads in dismay. That girl had smoked one too many wa wa oodles.

One guy walked up to her and said, "Oobleck?"

Ginny simply said, "Flargle hargle," which means, "Oddly enough, that's exactly what I had in mind," before linking her arm with his and dancing down the halls singing that great muggle song, "The dentist ate my cream fillings."


End file.
